Z just sits

I’ve done almost nothing today – the usual stuff, that is, fed the chickens, walked the dog twice, basic and necessary cleaning, but nothing that I didn’t have to do.  I haven’t even lit the fire yet and one of my small daily pleasures is not to wait until evening for that, unless I’m out all day.

I have come to recognise the effects of pushing myself close to my limit and, when I’ve done that, I want to retreat into myself for a while.  This really is a nuisance, I have a lot of work to do in preparation for a meeting on Wednesday morning and more again before Friday, but I can only push myself at these times if I genuinely must.    Admitting it sometimes spurs me on, which is the reason I’m writing about it now.

I am doing well.  I was upset and angry again in the night and this morning, but not dreadfully so.  I have thought about writing it all down, in the hope of clearing my mind, but I haven’t done so yet.  When I first started becoming anxious about Russell, I did start another blog for my eyes only, but I only wrote on it twice and haven’t looked again.  I’ve never kept a diary, except an appointment one, until I started blogging.  Blogging itself is mainly positive and cheerful because that’s what it’s here for, as far as I’m concerned.  If I’m not feeling great when I start writing, I’m usually feeling better by the time I finish.  I don’t know that a pouring-out sort of blog will help.

Right.  Positives.

1 Jamie called in for a cup of tea this morning, to check I’m all right, and kindly brought in some more logs for me and refilled the coal scuttles.

2 I’ve pulled myself together sufficiently to light the fire.

3 I was concerned that there was a rat getting into the chicken run as there seemed to be more digging in the earth floor than they would have done, so always put their food up high, but there’s no sign any more.  A cat made her home in the adjoining barn and reared a litter of kittens, so she has evidently seen off the vermin, good girl.

4  Three eggs this afternoon.  I don’t need three eggs a day and at this rate will be giving them away again, but nice to have them laying.

5 I’ve bought mackerel and a Dover sole today.  I expect eating Dover sole is frowned on, but it was already there and must be within quota or it wouldn’t be sold.  My nice fishmonger comes with his van on a Monday morning.

6 It isn’t a positive at all, but a decision anyway, I think I’m going to buy a new fridge.  Mine is running far too cold, a whole bottle of milk in the door was frozen solid yesterday.

7 A letter and a book arrived this morning from a friend, which was lovely.  Well, a card in fact, of a photo of Saki.  A select few of us adore Saki.  I haven’t heard from him (the friend, that is) since before Christmas and I’m afraid I hadn’t replied to his last letter at all.  I’ve not found letter-writing easy and I’m too tired by the evening anyway.  I should just direct everyone to the blog – though he knows of it and is an occasional, at least, reader.  Anyway, that’s my mission for this evening: to write to him.


9 comments on “Z just sits

  1. allotmentqueen

    Lots of positives – I’m impressed. Keep up the good work. Are you sure the thermostat hasn’t been set too low on your fridge? It’s okay to be angry and upset. You have every right to be. It’s much more dangerous to repress those emotions. Now be a good girl and enjoy your Dover sole. I’m sure we’ll be treated to photos.

  2. Mike Horner

    I rather agree that blogging is to record, and share the good, positive, things in our life. I think that this sometimes leads to a less than real record of our lives; but I don’t think we need to depress or worry our friends by telling them of every difficult decision that looms, or every minor frustration that occurs. But you have had a very major loss this year. If it had happened to me I’m not at all sure that I would have been able to carry on blogging as you have very bravely done. I don’t think I would have been able to write of it, and would probably have stopped blogging for at least a year. I think it must be very difficult, if not impossible to share such major, life changing happenings. I am lost in admiration that you have been able to carry on as you have done. But I’m sure that all your readers are very glad that you’ve kept on writing.
    Please – bash on regardless, dear Zoe.
    Warm regards, Mike (and Ann, when she reads this I know).

  3. kipper

    I bought a new range last year after suffering for years with a tempermental one where the oven could not be calibrated. You could set it for 350 and the oven thermometer would read 275 or maybe 475. Who knew having a new accurate range would make me so happy! Oh and the neighbors too because I’m doing more baking, Go get that new refrigerator!
    Mike eloquently said what I was thinking. You indeed are a very brave and determined woman (with a very loving heart too).

  4. Liz

    My old fridge took to freezing itself solid (it was actually a fridge/freezer, but only the fridge part played up). Sir Bruin spent the whole of the last winter at our old house regularly defrosting it by pouring salt into the little drainage hole at the back. To be fair, it was old and we replaced it when we moved here in 2010. The nice man at the shop where we purchased the current fridge told me that the average life expectancy of a fridge/freezer is only around 5 years, unless you buy a really expensive one, so I’m quite proud of the fact that I have only owned 3 fridge/freezers in 27 years.

    I also find writing therapeutic, but there are a lot of things that are too personal for blog publishing and I do a lot of editing. I used to keep a diary but have not done so for a long time now. Like you, I do try to keep my blog up-beat but I never manage to blog as regularly as you. I am always impressed by how much blogging you manage to do given how busy you usually are. There’s always something to read on the Z blog!

  5. Z Post author

    The setting hasn’t been changed, but I’ve altered it anyway, up and down in case there was a glitch. It’s near freezing in there and I have to remember to take things out early before I can start cooking. Fridges always seemed to last for decades, I don’t know why they should pack in after a few years. This is a larder fridge in fact, it doesn’t have a freezing compartment. I can’t remember how old it is – I have two fridges, but I’ve lent the other one to Roses. I’ll get a bigger one now, though, it’s not really big enough.

    The worst part was carrying on as if nothing was wrong, once Russell’s illness was diagnosed but when he didn’t feel ready to let anyone know. As you know, when he died I didn’t write for a few days and then didn’t refer to his death for a few weeks. Actually, our friend Pat has been something of a role model for me. She has referred less to her personal feelings than I have but has kept blogging resolutely and it’s evidently as much a part of her life as this is of mine. I write what I feel like writing, I rarely know what I’m going to say when I sit down.

    Thank you for your kindness, dear friends.


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