I went to clear up the kitchen and suddenly I badly wanted a cup of coffee. I hardly ever drink more than one cup a day, that being in the morning. I like it strong and black and the quantity depends on the strength – a double measure, whether espresso sized or a small mug. I don’t think it would keep me awake if drunk later, but I’ll soon find out, it now being after 9 at night.

I didn’t set the alarm last night, though I thought I had. I luckily woke up half an hour before I was due to leave, which gave me just enough time. Except that I couldn’t find my handbag with the car keys in. I searched and I used the Tile app and that said it was out of range. Which was enough of a clue to make me wonder if I’d left the bag in the unlocked car overnight. And I had. I don’t seem to get any less daft. I’ve always thought, if ever I get dementia, no one will notice for a while. I haven’t, by the way, as yet.

Anyway, I still had enough time, even with defrosting the car. And I’ve absolutely set the alarm for tomorrow. Ecat has her annual checkup and vaccination – not until 10 o’clock, but I haven’t brought in her cat carrier from the shed and it’ll need to be warmed up before the little girl can be put in it. It’s cold out there again. The barn cats have made it clear that they’d like to winter in the house, but there’s no chance of that.

At lunch today, we were talking about memories and that, so often, our parents and grandparents don’t tell us things that, later, we wish we had asked. I wish, for myself, that I’d started by putting labels on some of my blog posts, but it’s too late now. No one, including myself, will ever bother to look all the way back for something interesting, though I did write down what I remembered about things my mum told me about family history and so on, as well as my own early memories. I should try to resurrect some of it, perhaps.

Having pressed publish, it occurred to me that I will want Eloise’s vaccination card, so I’ve put it in my bag, which isn’t in the car, ready for the morning. I really haven’t lost my marbles quite yet, darlings, I assure you.

I want something to do that takes concentration but not brainwork, so I’m going to try needlepoint again. I haven’t done it for years, because I like counting thread work and the graduations of colour became too difficult for my eyes in the evening. But I’ll have a go and, if it means I have to take time to do it in the day, that’s a bonus nowadays. I’ve no idea what happened to my frame, so I’ve ordered a new one.

I’ve done some of the work, but not all, that I meant to do today. It was the cat, I say plaintively. Without Wink here, she wants to sit on me. It isn’t enough to just be with me, she wants my full attention, including eye contact. She can be quite needy, or manipulative or something. She’s not exactly starved of affection, it’s just her way.

I’ve got to be out of the house in good time tomorrow, so I’ve set an alarm. Usually, I’m awake quite early, but I can’t trust myself completely – if I don’t sleep much in the night, I might drop off around 6.30, when I should be waking up. I go to bed disgracefully early, usually – I still think of myself as starting to bloom at 9pm, but I’m quite often asleep by then nowadays and I feel I’m letting the side down and being old and dull. This isn’t to suggest that other people who go to bed early are old and dull, it’s just not my self-image.

I don’t know what eCat is doing at present, but it involves scratching on my antique rug. I should investigate.

ECat and I are alone for the next week. I’ve just dropped Wink off at the station to catch trains down to Gatwick, because she’s going to Spain for the next week – a practice run for her 6-week sojourn in India. ECat gave me a long cuddle when I got home. She spends a good deal of time on Wink’s lap. As soon as Wink sits down, along comes the cat for some love. She’ll be huffy when she discovers that Wink is hardly here between now and mid-March.

I’ve got a lot of typing to do today and tomorrow. Most of it is emails, though there’s work as well. I’ve got responses to Christmas news – that is, not about Christmas itself, but contained in cards. And thank-yous and so on. And I’ve got the last of the decorations to put away, too.

As I’m living in the dining room at present, the room is cluttered. It already had quite a lot of furniture in it, but I’ve added two small tables and three armchairs. There was no room for a tree. I decorated the inglenook surround with swags of ivy and put the crib and some wooden choir figures in the two alcoves at the sides of the woodburner. It took up no room space and looked good, though the ivy dried out quite quickly with the heat of the stove.

I sit at the dining table, mostly, rather than in the armchairs, unless I’m at the computer. It’s quite comfortable and a good place to read, do jigsaws or whatever. Of course, the table gets cluttered too and I have to clear up frequently. I don’t think I’m destined ever to be tidy.

I was supposed to pick up two elderly friends and take them out to lunch near Norwich today, but neither of them is feeling quite well enough to go out in the bleak weather. Having seen the local news just now in the paper, I’m glad not to have been going that way. A traffic accident on a junction I’d have used has closed the road – the cars involved have been cleared and I don’t know how serious it was in terms of injuries, but traffic lights have been damaged and are out of use, so there are diversions. All nearby roads will be in a proper mess. I’ve lit the fire and I’m staying put for the rest of the day – apart from a healthy walk, of course, once I’ve done my typing. Unless it’s raining by then (which it is now). According to my phone, it’s 3ºC out but feels like -8ºC, with a gusty wind. Due to be cold for the whole week, with frosts every night. Can’t complain about a frost in January, of course.

I did the outside chores, but they needed to be done again this morning. I’d stocked up for Wink, without realising that I’d used nearly the last of my coal. But I didn’t realise until I got back from blood donor’s and, after fainting a couple of years ago, I do nothing for the rest of the day. Wink kindly fed the outside cats and checked on the chickens and she cooked my dinner. I was, although I’d taken it very easy all afternoon, in bed by 8pm. And, though I was awake for a while in the night, I must have slept for a good 9 hours, maybe 10. Fabulous.

I also checked when I’d be able to donate again after a visit to Mexico. There’s nothing long-term to worry about, so just 28 days, in case I pick up any tropical fever. Though advice is to check again when I’m back, in case there’s been any change in the advice. While I was about it, I went online to the GP website to fill in the vaccination check form. It asks what vaccines I’ve had – not all, but includes flu, polio, diphtheria, tetanus – and the dates. A bit bemused, because I was inoculated against polio and vaccinated against diphtheria as a small child and have no idea of the dates. The rest, the surgery has on my records anyway. Still, it’s evidently read by a real person, so I answered as well as I could and they should get back to me next week. They asked about yellow fever too, I’ve a feeling I was vaccinated before my honeymoon, but that was in 1973, so I’m well out of date. And malaria tablets, which I was able to answer.

Mel gave the chickens fresh water this morning as there had been a frost and I’ve just filled log baskets. I’ve also brought some pouches of cat food indoors, so that the barn cats don’t have to eat cold food this evening. And now, out for lunch.

A new year, a new Z? Probably not, but I do hope I’ll sort some things out over the next few months. I’ve been neglecting quite a lot since Tim died.

The year started with Wink’s chicken house doing a partial collapse – it’s an Eglu, bought by Rose and Dave a few years ago for her four chooks. Like many things, it’s not as good as it looks at first sight and needs regular mending, nowadays. Wince and I did some running repairs a few weeks ago, but the cover is held in place with some slabs that turned out to be too heavy for the structure to cope with. We’d gone on the website to order a new cover, but couldn’t find one of the same size. They seem to think that just covering the top and part of the sides will do, but that means rain would blow in, just at chicken level. Anyway, I took along some wire and bailer twine on Wednesday and it’s pretty sturdy now. Just a slab at each corner and otherwise the cover is tied in place.

Getting Thelma and Louise in again was another matter. We luckily did the work just before it started raining an icy downpour and had to leave them sheltering under the hedge as they didn’t intend to budge. Later, they ran around, refusing to be guided home, but Louise went back into the open run when she was hungry. Poor Thelma was too frightened and upset to be helped home, but eventually, exhausted, she crouched down to rest and I was able to pick her up. They’d both recovered by the morning and are safe now.

My chickens are fine in their secure house and run. Today, there was a hard frost, so I took some soaked split peas for them and a can of warm water. They’ve also had their mealworm treat early so, although they were standing round looking disconsolate at 8.30, they perked up quickly. No eggs for the last week, though.

We went to Norwich yesterday. As we were going to be there several hours, we went to the Park & Ride. There were hardly any cars there at 10 o’clock, but it’s not surprising that people have taken a couple of extra days holiday, with Christmas and New Year both being midweek. The city centre was quite busy with families having a day out. We met Rose for coffee – she was going to rejoin the library, which she hasn’t used for a few years. Nor have I – I used to use both Norfolk and Suffolk libraries, but have only been going to Yagnub for a while. Encouraged by Rose’s decisiveness, both Wink and I joined Norwich’s. Didn’t have time to browse, as I had a contact lens check to go to.

I’m very grateful for my good eyesight. I never thought of myself as having particularly good eyesight, being somewhat myopic, but it’s come into its own now. I wear one contact lens and can read with the other eye – I’m unaware of only using one eye at a time for short and long focus and, of course, see out of both eyes, but it works really well for me. The optician (I’m not sure of the specifics of all the professional terms – optometrist, ophthalmologist and so on, so just am using an incorrect generic term here) said that my sight is great, both long and short distance. Slightly short sight, I’ve realised, is best in the long term.

After that, we met Ro and the children for lunch. They happily eat pretty well anything, which is lucky. They opted for Nando’s yesterday. As I was so quick at SpecSavers, we got a table soon after noon, which was just as well, because by the time Ro and the children arrived, people were waiting. So, smug and cheerful all round. Wink and I felt pleased with ourselves.

Which reminds me, I need to empty the wheelbarrow, having cleaned out the chicken coop into it on Wednesday (and not emptying it then because of the weather), put the new bag of wood shavings in the shed and then put some in the nesting boxes. Then get in logs. A Z’s work is – well, then it’ll be done as far as outside is concerned.

I bought a new laptop more than a year ago but I haven’t used it much. Two reasons – I didn’t want to transfer everything from the iMac as that’s all I ever do and some stuff goes back many years. But the thought of sorting everything out is far too daunting ever to do it. But the computer is 9 years old now – I’m not sure how long Macs are supposed to last nowadays and it’s still installing updates, so Apple has faith in it. The second reason is that I like desktop computers as there’s no risk of hunching over them, I like to look straight ahead rather than down and, as I touch-type, I don’t need to watch the keyboard.

It was all sorted out by buying a separate monitor and an external drive. So I’ve got the advantage of the MacBook’s portability, plus a screen for when I’m at my desk. And I can put everything onto the drive and just transfer what I need, whilst having the backup if I suddenly need something from 15 years ago (which happened this evening, I wanted a recipe I typed out and couldn’t find the printed copy of).

As I said a while ago, I’m living in my dining room at present, so it’s got armchairs, dining chairs and table, a desk and a whole lot of other furniture. Yet, not enough, it seems, I wanted to bring in another chair and something had to give.

I’ve got a small desk, which was actually a side table of Tim’s, a nice old pine one with a drawer. It’s amply big enough for the computer and keyboard, plus any papers I need to have by me. I’d added another smaller, lower table to put the monitor and laptop on, because of course I haven’t yet transferred very much yet (I’ve been doing it by AirDrop as I need it up to now, but it’s a faff and takes a while). The extra armchair would need the space taken from the smaller table. But hey, it’ll all fit on the one desk, if both monitors were angled a bit. Sadly, this won’t do. The lower table was the right height to type at – without really thinking about it, I realise now that I tended to put the keyboard on my lap, when using the other computer. So, for now, I’ve put the small table in front of the bigger one, while I think about it.

Luckily, it’s now after 6pm, so I’ll think about it while I drink a glass of wine. Dinner is nearly prepared and just needs the last few minutes of preparation. I invented a mixed vegetable curry – the light sort, with a garlic and ginger sauce – and have done spicy masala potatoes to go with it. I’ll add a couple of hardboiled eggs. I bought a dozen eggs the day before the chickens started laying again so, of course, I haven’t used them. Chickens always start laying after I’ve given up waiting.

A comment I made on one of my Facebook posts ten years ago was “if onward doesn’t go with upward, it doesn’t go anywhere good”. I’m not usually outwardly downbeat, it isn’t a good idea to dwell on the downside, although it’s all right to acknowledge it – preferably mostly to myself. There’s quite a lot to be said for the traditional stiff upper lip.

Not that such a facial paralysis was required today. It’s all been lovely. We went to Weeza and family, as did Ro and we chatted, played games, ate – we started eating at noon and finished around seven, but that doesn’t imply stuffing ourselves all day, but a relaxed hour or two between courses.

Getting ready to leave, just before 10am, I was ambushed by the outside cats, who were determined to escort me to give them breakfast. I knew perfectly well that they’d already had breakfast, but also knew that we’d be late home. I gave the chickens some veggie trimmings and some mealworms and fed the cats, who were triumphant that they’d tricked me. Home at 9 this evening, they’d given up waiting, but saw the lights of the car and arrived at the door – I’ve never been a cat person until the last ten years and I’m not quite sure what happened. But they’d have had an uncertain life without me and, unneutered, might not have survived this long.

Wink and I haven’t exchanged presents yet, except for the medlar tree that was planted a couple of weeks ago. We were later home than we expected, so decided this could wait for tomorrow. She’s also got champagne in her fridge, so I expect it’ll be around noon. I’ve got some smoked trout and she’s got smoked mackerel, we’ve got the makings of salads between us, so I think lunch is sorted. I’ve got a new book (Christmas is never entirely right without a new book), so my afternoon is planned too.

I hope you’ve had as good a day as I have.

It’s been busy, until the last couple of days, which have been oddly quiet. From a doing things point of view, that is. I’m not really used to not having enough to do.

Anyway, thanks to Wink’s magic medicine (the slow release ibuprofen, that is) I’ve been able to manage and I haven’t taken any for a week or so. Still no idea what caused the problem.

I’ve always blogged when I’m cheerful and to help make myself cheerful when I’m not. Recently, I haven’t really known what to say, so have kept quiet. But that doesn’t mean that good things aren’t happening. Things are fine, day to day, but I feel as if I’m struggling just as much as when Tim first died. And when Russell did, come to that. And everyone I’ve ever loved and lost. It all still piles up like a logjam with nowhere to go and I have no idea how I’ll ever move past that, if I ever will. This doesn’t stop me being quite ordinary and jolly and practical, but the inner Z seems to be broken.

The holiday in Mexico is booked and paid for, all I need to worry about is a wedding outfit. And I’m going to try again to get up to Scotland this year, though I don’t know when that’ll be.

I think I just have to try harder. Do it, even when I don’t feel like doing it.

So, on that note, I’m going to have a lovely long, hot bath and an early night, to read or listen to the radio or whatever I feel like (I’m kidding, I’ll fall asleep until midnight) and then be ready for good cheer with the family. Happy Christmas, all you lovely friends. Thanks for sticking around.

I had so much planned. On Sunday morning, I was stricken – no less – with acute pains in my left back which radiated down my leg and were, undoubtedly, sciatica. Quite out of nowhere, I’d done nothing to trigger it that I could think of. I’ve been well dosed with painkillers ever since and have been complaining to anyone who looks sympathetic.

Lucky that I’d done that cooking, it’s all in the freezer for when I feel like eating but not cooking anything. I’m starting to surface a bit now – my sister bought me some slow-release ibuprofen, which helps more than anything – and really must make that relish over the weekend.

Luckily, as it’s my left side, it doesn’t affect driving, though sitting is painful, as I’m the only driver in the family and we’ve had various necessary trips, including her dentist appointment tomorrow.

There has been torrential rain this evening, but no water in the house, thankfully. I’ll check everywhere tomorrow and drop the builder a line, assuming all is well, to tell him so.

Now going for a very long, hot bath, which is the best thing for me.

I’ve never had it happen before, that someone should enquire about china from the auction, several weeks later. But two people did, in the last couple of weeks. The upshot was that I’ve sold four lots – the vendors are pleased, of course, and I didn’t charge anything (can’t be changing my accounts a month on, not for potential commission of a few pounds), but it’s nice that some more china has found good homes.

Today, I was supposed to make chilli relish and bread. I’ve bought the chillies, but I actually made chicken casserole and celery soup. I’ll do the others on Monday or so.

In other news, I’ve started Christmas shopping. Not got far, but there we go.