Today has been better. I didn’t sleep well and the night was a series of catnaps, but I’d arranged to go with Fiona to walk her dog down by the river. It was a lovely sunny day and it’s one of Bonnie’s favourite places and where she loves to run. We walked a brisk two or three miles and came back here for a cup of tea before she left. Everyone is being far kinder than I expected. Which I should explain.
I have this odd and unfounded reputation for being ‘strong,’ whatever that means. I also give off an air of self-reliance. That is not unfounded, but I’ve gradually come to understand that it can be off-putting. I’m aware that being too needy is also off-putting. Let people in, don’t smother them by clinging, know that there’s an end point for crying at random points because, let’s face it, if you hope to be invited to social occasions at any time, you don’t want to spoil the party. This may sound cynical but it isn’t. It’s my usual over-thinking but it’s also meant to be kind and aware. I don’t want to be selfish, but I’m finally, for once in my life, taking the view that it’s okay for it to be all about me for a week or two…though there’s a limit.
I wish I could ask for more help, in fact, but it isn’t really possible. I’m horrified at the prospect of clearing this house, it has to be done but I need to take my time. Getting in clearance people isn’t an option, of course, not before I’ve gone through everything.
While looking for the papers yesterday, I found his wedding album to Viv, all the letters of condolence when she died, a folder of cards etc from when he had a relationship with J – he gave her a different name on his blog, which I can’t remember – his 70th birthday party cards and paperwork from the party, all sorts of personal things. What to do with them? They aren’t anything to do with me, it isn’t appropriate for me even to read them. I will have to destroy them – Viv’s sister might like the photos but there’s no one else to be interested. I did email J to tell her. They parted on friendly terms and I had a friendly email back, I hadn’t given her details about Tim’s funeral and she didn’t ask, so I think we’ve both done the best thing in the circumstances.
I have felt cared for. Clare is calling round soon, just to say hello, Paul just rang and I’ve also spoken to John G (publog was his excellent and brilliantly named blog) this evening, though that was more because I wanted to support him because his aged father isn’t in great shape. I ate a Co op quiche this evening, after some canapes (I have no idea how to do accents on a pc and can’t quite be arsed to find out, because it’s one thing that Mac does so much better) with a glass of wine. This is far more than I’ve eaten at one time for the last two and a half weeks.
I phoned his house insurance company and was on the line for over 20 minutes before it was picked up, then I was put through to the bereavement department and had to wait for another 10. Turned out that it was a side branch of his car insurance – if I’d realised that, I could have done it all the other day. Still, it’s done. I tried to add my bank card to Tim’s Spotify account but there was no option to put a different name on the card. So I’ll have to save his playlists if I want them and it’ll revert to a free account in a couple of weeks. I phoned the Guardian, where a well-spoken man answered instantly, so Tim’s subscription has been stopped. I tried to deal with the gas company, but by the time I’d got his meter reading as asked, it was nearly 5 o’clock and that’s when they close. So that’s a job for tomorrow.
I’ve listened to a lot of music and not found what I’m looking for. I’ve got to make my mind up soon. Sunday is the deadline.
I count my blessings. Top of the list is good friends. Thank you.