Toilet humour

Ok, it was bound to happen sooner or later.  I dropped my iPhone in the loo.  It’s now drying on the Aga, seems ok but I turned the power off and it promptly turned on again, so I’m in a state of denial right now.  I’m due an upgrade (well no, I’m not, my 2 year contract is coming to an end in 6 weeks but I don’t *have* to have a new phone) so it’s not too disastrous, though Russell will be disappointed not to receive an iPhone 4S, if it’s kaput.  But it may be fine.

And in other lavatorial news, I was recently sent an NHS testing kit for bowel cancer.  If you’ve not tried that yet, take the suggestion of managing with a folded piece of loo paper with the complete derision it deserves.  Honestly, it’s awkward, even if you are a parent who’s used to dealing with nappy contents.  There is no comparison, believe me, and … well, darlings, use your imagination.  Wash your hands afterwards, it said.  And so it sodding might.  I’d used half a bogroll, just to keep things within the bounds of decency.  And you’ve got to do it THREE TIMES within a fortnight.  Just how often do you….Enough, I’ve lost enough of you already from my beloved band of readers.

You’ve really got to laugh, innit?

I’ll tell you all about the Benji Britt lecture another time, have to be topical.

So, I’ve got my car back, ready for my excursion to the Borders next week.  I’m quite excited (though I haven’t confirmed with Badgerdaddy yet) because, though I’ve been to Wales, I don’t know Ludlow at all.  Apparently, there are lovely walks so I am hoping it doesn’t pour with rain. But I’ve looked up the stately homes and castles and so on, so I shan’t be dismayed whatever happens.  I’m going to see John G on the way (or way back, again I haven’t confirmed), which I’m looking forward to very much.

It was a frustrating morning.  I didn’t sleep all night, just a nap of an hour or two when I’d have done better getting up and abandoning the idea of sleep.  I made tea at 4.30, in the hope of a fresh start to the night, but no luck.  I made buttered toast too, which just showed how desperate I was, I usually eat dry bread, being the virtuous sort, gastronomically speaking.  Actually, I made some for Russell and could just imagine the look on his face, being given butterless toast.

Once I got going this morning, I answered school emails that had been building up for a bit, and then sat down to write some minutes.  And the phone rang.  It was a sodding recorded message with a cold call.  I don’t have unsecured loans.  I went back to work.  Minutes later, another call.  It was a friend with sad news, of another friend who has died.  She was well in her 80s and had been very ill, but so is the husband of the friend who phoned and Jan and Peter had been supportive of each other.  And they’d been friends for 60 years, it’s quite hard. So the phone call took half an hour, it wasn’t right to rush it.

Another friend phoned, wondering if his wife had left her bag here the day before?  Sadly, no, so he had to phone to cancel her credit cards.  She has Alzheimer’s, she keeps the PINs in her bag too…oh dear.  I said quite gently that I didn’t think she should carry cards with her any more, he has to go everywhere with her and it’s not the first time she’s mislaid her handbag.  She’s still in her 60s, he’s 80, it’s very sad and hard to cope with.  We’ve said we’ll look after one of their dogs over C… over the Yuletide period while they’re visiting their daughter – it’s not really very convenient as we will be out some of the time and she howls when left – Ben will be shocked – but we will do what we can to help.

It was after noon when I was finally ready to do my work, and I’d eaten three more pieces of buttered toast by then – if I may make pathetic excuses, it’s a small loaf and Benj folllows me closely so at least a quarter goes to him – because, with my strict eating habit, I’d rather forgotten how delicious melted butter is – when Jonathan phoned to say my car was ready.  So Russell took me in to fetch it, then I walked the dog, had lunch (I must tell you about the salami some time) and then it was time to go and meet the builder at the church, because we are getting an estimate for various items of work.

I’ve still not done one lot of minutes yet, and here I am blogging when I should be working.  And I haven’t even told you all the news yet.  Not that there’s anything wildly exciting, but this isn’t that sort of a blog.  It’s an everyday story of Z’s life.  Mostly.

18 comments on “Toilet humour

  1. 63mago

    Yes, I laughed.

    I can not understand how you survive on burnt bread with butter. Thank God operation Sealion did not work.

    The story of your friends and the bag is very sad, I only hope they’ll find it soon and no damage is done. This A-illness is very depressing, destroys so much.

    I hope the dogs will find to each other wihtout much howling, and good to learn that your car is ready.

    Life works on and on.

  2. nick

    Yes, I’ve done the bowel cancer test as well, and as you say, it’s extremely awkward and messy. I can imagine a lot of people simply can’t face the meticulous dabbing and daubing and just don’t bother. But glad to know after all that fiddling around that I was given the all-clear.

    Sorry about the forgetful friend. It’s so sad when someone who used to be totally compus mentis starts to lose it and becomes more and more confused.

  3. Z Post author

    I know, Mago, we’d have hopelessly Anglicised all of you and Germany would be famed for serving toast and Marmite on all possible occasions!

    I think my phone is now officially bog standard (thank you, Rog) but it works fine, thank goodness. And I downloaded the iOS7 upgrade in the night which was ok, so no harm seems to have been done.

    I don’t know when I’ll have occasion to do the second and third parts of the test, my body seems to be recoiling in fastidious dismay. I’m not taking it away with me, so I’ve got until Tuesday morning. I rather wish I hadn’t bothered to start.

    The friend has been getting markedly worse over the past couple of years, it’s very tough for her husband, who has had to take on most of the shopping and cooking and no longer can leave her at home alone, so has little respite.

  4. Roses

    Phone down the loo was how I ended up with my Shiny Phone. I think you’re supposed to put it in a bag of rice (they absorb all the water). Good luck with that!

    And eww…

  5. Z Post author

    I put it on a towel on the Aga lid – a friend said she put hers inside the slow oven itself, but I was afraid of cooking it! And yeah, possibly the ew-est post I’ve ever written! At least I wasn’t using the kit at the time I dropped the phone!

  6. Liz

    What is it today with toilets? Two of my work colleagues told me toilet related stories today; one of which involved someone fishing around the u-bend in order to unblock it. She seemed particularly proud of the fact that she had not worn rubber gloves. Lovely.

    I’ve been to Ludlow (there is probably a blog-post about it somewhere) and it was very nice. Sir B and I particularly liked the castle, but as it is a ruin you will need reasonable weather if you plan to visit.

    1. Z Post author

      Proud? No, I’m fine with mucking out stables but a lavatory is another matter. Rubber gloves it is.

      Jon tells me it’s a lovely place, I’m hoping for decent weather and plenty of exploring.

  7. Sir Bruin

    If it was inevitable that your phone would end up in the dunny, may I suggest that you need to review the way that you make calls?

    Re your close encounter of the turd kind, I trust that it was carried out correctly and that you didn’t just go through the motions?

  8. LZM

    Last month I had my second colonoscopy. The prep is the bothersome part, but, all in all a much more expensive way to test for colon cancer.


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