Tomorrow is the Sage’s final auction and I don’t think I’ve a lot to say about it.  My feelings are very mixed and it’s going to be an ordeal.  I hope it does well.

I haven’t done all my preparation work, though most of it, and I’ve done the food for tomorrow.  Lots of straightforward food is vital, when you’re handling valuable china you have to keep up your blood sugar level.  We’ve got a housesitter for the day, too many people know we’ll be out  to leave the place empty, and of course there’s Ben to be considered too.

I’ve been wondering for a long time, but never sure how to put it – do other people feel they’ve done what they needed to do in life?  I know the ‘bucket list’ thing is popular, but I’ve never had any notion of such a thing.  Years ago, as my youngest child approached his 18th birthday, I had a feeling of relief – job done, I’d completed the upbringing of my family and didn’t have any more obligations in that respect.  Similarly, I looked after my mother until she died in her own bed, as she wanted.  And after this is over, I’ve supported the Sage to the completion of his career.  Not that he intends to retire altogether, but he won’t particularly need my help.

It’s hard to describe what I mean, because you’re going to take it the wrong way whatever I say.  But I see no particular long-term purpose in life except to complete the tasks I start, particularly in relation to my family and I felt I’d ticked off the important jobs years ago – well, the only important job, raising each child to adulthood.  I’m not suggesting there’s nothing left to live for – sorry, you either get what I mean or you don’t, I’m just wondering if anyone does?

Anyway, I’ve had a contact lens in my eye since Tuesday, which is a nuisance.  It’s stuck there at the back and won’t come out.  It’s only slightly uncomfortable except when I wake at night, when it’s quite scratchy.  I haven’t time to get it sorted out, it’ll have to happen in its own time.  Actually, I’m a bit fearful of anyone messing about with my eye, I don’t want to go to the optician about it.

14 comments on “Endings

  1. Rog

    Good luck to the Sage
    His last auction stage
    Will be all the finer
    For Lowestoft China

    I quite enjoy making to-do lists but only on a short term basis. Like “sorting out the garage”.

  2. Blue Witch

    Yes, I totally understand what you mean. The bucket list idea leaves me cold – anything I want to do, I do. Perhaps I’ve known too many people die too young.

    For me, that stage is about being confident in myself, for myself, and not needing external validation.

    Hope the last auction goes well, and to plan, and isn’t too sad a day.

  3. wendz

    I get you. I’ve done the things I dreamed of doing when i was very young. I’ve failed at some of them mind you, but I did them. What can I say …except I am content with my life. Nothing else I particularly dream of doing and like Bluewitch, if I want to do something, and it’s feasible, then I do it.

    I hope your auction is a success and very smooth and no shaky hands drop precious china.

  4. Liz

    I think I understand what you mean but it isn’t something that troubles me much. I’ve never had much in the way of ambition and am usually happy to drift along with life and see what happens. From time to time, I do decide that there are things I want to do and, like BW, if possible I do them.

    Unlike a lot of British people, I think that change is good. I hope the auction goes well and that you find that you do enjoy this new phase in your life.

  5. janerowena

    I know what you mean, and although I have a pang and a touch of empty-nestishness now that Robert is about to leave school, I can’t help feeling relieved that I shan’t have to be a taxi and a big bully when it comes to revision for much longer. My children became my main priority, above all other ambitions, when I had them. I just wanted to be able to say that I had done my best for them, because my own parents were actually pretty awful. So part of me is just looking for a bit of a break from having to be unpaid secretary, arbitrator etc. and I have no wish for a bucket list, other than to be free to travel a bit more. I see nothing wrong with drifting along gently through Life, if that’s what suits you. My sister berates me for lack of ambition, she said that I am wasting my brains, but I love to learn new things, not necessarily use or do anything with that knowledge. I did an aptitude test when my son did one, and it said that I should be a scholar. At last I had an explanation for how I felt, I had never considered that as a possible career!

  6. Roses

    I totally understand where you’re coming from.

    I’m in the process myself of helping unravel the life that’s been keeping me together, getting ready for the next bit.

    I’m really looking forward to seeing you next week.

    It will be well darling.

  7. How do we know

    All the best to Sage for the final auction. And though i m really far from that stage of life… i think it makes sense what u say.. and awesome of u to have done so much with ur life..

  8. ElizT

    Yes. If I had really wanted to do those other things then I would have managed to somehow.
    And the family fun and drama keeps on happening. It seems unlikely but grandchildren can have children too.

  9. Mike and Ann

    Dear Zoe, I know just how you feel, I think. I’ve been living on a knife edge since Mike had his heart attack three months ago. I still wake in the night and make sure he’s still breathing. I know that’s not quite how you are feeling, but the similarity is that I can’t see the future clearly at all. But then, who can. We never know what’s ahead of us. Hope the sale goes well for you both,
    Love Ann.

  10. nick

    I guess I know what you mean. I’ve done all sorts of interesting things in my life, and I don’t feel there’s any great objective still to be met. I’m just trundling along enjoying each day as it comes with no particular mission in mind.

  11. Z

    It went really well thank you, and thanks also for understanding me, something that seems to be a rare thing in life – but not among blogfriends!

    And I understand you, Ann, and really sympathise with you and Mike. It will ease, though actually it’s a feeling I’ve had, for no good reason, for many years already. I’m more of a worrier than is good for anyone.

  12. Pat

    As I’m sure you know really bringing up a family – and all it involves – does not stop at the age of 18.
    Many, many years later the roles are reversed – if you are fortunate.

  13. Z

    No, of course, but at that time I felt that, 28 years after becoming a parent, I’d steered them all safely through to adulthood. And yes, it’s wonderful to be looked after in my turn.


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