I sometimes sit here and wonder what to write about. I know I’m not alone, in that I write blog posts in my head during the day and sometimes react to an unusual event by thinking ‘Ah! Blog material!’ Often, however, having mentally written the post, I either forget about it or find that it doesn’t need to be revisited and so it never makes it here. Quite often, I become quite earnest and want to write a post on something I feel strongly about – this doesn’t have to be momentous in itself, I’m just an enthusiastic sort of person – but I strive to be brief and I become obscure (Horace, darlings, but I’ll spare you the Latin, which I’d have to look up to check anyway) and I get bogged down in explanations before I even start writing.
I feel overwhelmed by all that is to be done here and have to focus on little bits at a time, so that I can deal with them and even feel satisfaction when something is completed. I can talk and laugh and enthuse and concentrate on quite complex matters, and then I’ll suddenly find it hard to speak and have to take several deep breaths before I can talk without my voice breaking. It’s a bugger, darlings. I don’t know where I am. My emotions fluctuate and sometimes it’s a feeling of great love and sometimes a sort of fury that keeps me going, and then it’s also habit, routine and necessity and I know that the hopes and intention I speak of are an invention, a pretence that gives me the impetus to drive forward. It doesn’t matter if I care or not, but I have to act as if I do.