The clarinet playing went surprisingly well, though I really need to put in more practice for my lip muscles to not start to weaken. I worry about what they’ll do at the church when I leave here and hope that someone else who can play an instrument will happen along in the next year or so. I really am played out, I look forward to giving it up and being able just to play for pleasure again.
I forgot to put the chickens in again last night – or rather, I forgot to shut up the run. I was surprised when I went to feed them, to find just one in a nest box. She’s been sitting for several days, though she hasn’t any eggs underneath her and there was just one yesterday. Anyway, once I started putting their food out, they all came running and they all returned. i counted them all back and then shut the door.
I’d never realised that Russell received a fair chunk of his income in December, so I’ve got a number of cheques to pay in, which is jolly good. I’ve sold the tractor, can’t remember if I said, so am pleased about that too. I’m making gradual progress, though only by switching off thoughts I don’t want to have. It was four months ago yesterday that Russell died, it feels forever. I feel as if I’m in a bubble, I can function quite well but I’m shielded from the past and the future, there’s just now. Starting to push beyond the bubble risks too much, I’m safer right here where I don’t feel too acutely, most of the time. I know it won’t last but there is no point in emerging before I have to. To change the analogy, I don’t want the scab to fall off before I’ve started to heal underneath, if possible.
I’ve eaten too much today. I’m going to make peppermint tea and go to bed. Goodnight, darlings.