On the I Cs without a paddle (this is meaningless and irrelevant)

Coming back to the phonetic alphabet, here are a few versions, which can be used to help or not, according to circumstances. They are all, I think, far better than the accepted versions.

And Happy Birthday Dilly!

Gordie came up with this one:

A for Horses
B for Chicken
C for Yourself / C for Miles
D for Kate / D for estation
E for Brick at ‘im
F for Vescent
G for Indians / G for Inspector
H for Consent /Concern / Drinking
I for Big ‘Un / The Engine
J for Cakes
K for Sutherland
L for Betty Spaghetti / Leather
M for Sis / for Mation
N for Lopes
O for Goodness’ Sake / the Wings of a Dove
P for Drugs Test
Q for the Toilet
R for Minute/ R for Ransome
S for Rantzen
T for Two / Gums / On Edge
U for Coffee /U for Me
V for Espana
W for Money
X for Breakfast
Y for Girlfriend

and, how to finish this off?

Zee for Cider
Zed for Zodiac Mark I
Zed for the Greek god of the wind

Ephelba suggested a Misleading Alphabet. A few gaps here, can you help? – and scope for improvement with others.

A – Aestivate
B –
C – Czar
D – Djinn
E – Effing
F – Floccinaucinihilipilification
G – Gnome
H – Honour
I –
J –
K – Knight or Kew
L – Llanelli or Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch
M – Mnemonic
N – Neurosis
O – Other
P – Pneumatic
Q – Qatar
R – Rigoletto
S – Scythe
T – Tzatziki
U –
V – Verisimilitude
W – Wriggling or writhe
X – Xylem or Xavier
Y – Ypres (pronounced correctly or as ‘Wipers’, each works)
Z – Bed

Caitlin suggested the Drinking Woman’s Alphabet (men are welcome to join us). I gave up on a few and looked up cocktails; if you have better ideas please let me know.

A – Amaretto
B – Baileys
C – Cointreau
D – Drambuie
E – Eiswein
F – Frascati
G – Gin
H – Hock
I – Imbibe
J – Jack Daniels
K – Kirsch
L – Limoncello
M – Margarita
N – Newcastle Brown ale
O – Ouzo
P – Port
Q – Quagmyre (nah, don’t fancy it)
R – Rum
S – Schnapps
T – Tequila
U – Urbinos (this sounds quite interesting; white wine, cognac and raspberry liqueur)
V – Vodka
W – Whisky
X – Xaviera (no, I’ve never tried it, I shirk cocktails that have whipped cream in)
Y – Yucka (now, this sounds delicious. Vodka, lemon, lime and sugar)
Z – Zinfandel

And I suggest one to confuse and mildly embarrass the charming young gentleman at the other end of the telephone:

A – Adore
B – Bottom
C – Charming
D – Delightful
E – Entrancing
F – Fondle
G – Gorgeous
H – Handle
I – Invite
J – Jerk
K – Kiss
L – Love
M – Messing
N – Naughty
O – Organ
P – Pants
Q – Quiescent
R – Respectable
S – Snot
T – Teasing
U – Urge
V – Vivacity
W – Writhe (too like Ephelba’s idea, but such a nice word)
X -Xenophilia
Y -Yum
Z – Zestfulness

Another list, this time from Dandelion. I could not get away with using this, I’d sound quite off-colour. You have to be young enough (but not too young) or really quite old and I’m still in those in-between years.

A – Arousal
B – Breasts
C – Clitoris
D – Dildo
E – Erection
F – Foreplay
G – G-spot, Groping
H – Hanky Panky
I – Intercourse
J – Juicy
K – Kissing
L – Labia
M – Making Love
N – Nipples
O – Orgasm
P – Penetration
Q – Quim
R – Roleplaying
S – Sexy
T – Tampons, Titillate, Thrusting
U – Uterus
V – Vagina
W – Womanhood
X – X-static
Y – Yoiks, YesYesYes!
Z – Zip

17 comments on “On the I Cs without a paddle (this is meaningless and irrelevant)

  1. Id Entity

    In the first alphabet, shouldn’t it be R for Ransome? Especially if you’re going to have S for Esther. And shouldn’t it be Zee for Zoider?

    In the second, if you’re going to have the F you’ve got, then you should really have L for Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. And I think X should be X for Xavier, to be truly misleading

  2. Steg

    “Writhe” is a fabulous word. As, incidentally is “vivacity”.

    Words are wonderful things. There should be a place in one of these versions for “entrancing” which is just a beautiful word for a beautiful concept.

  3. Dandelion

    If you wanted to embarrass the gentleman, how about something like this:
    A – Arousal
    B – Breasts
    C – Clitoris
    D – Dildo
    E – Erection
    F – Foreplay
    G – G-spot
    H – Hanky Panky
    I – Intercourse
    J –
    K – Kissing
    L – Labia
    M – Making Love
    N – Nipples
    O – Orgasm
    P – Penetration
    Q – Quim
    R – Roleplaying
    S – Sexy
    T – Tampons
    U – Uterus
    V – Vagina
    W – Womanhood
    X –
    Y –
    Z –

  4. Z

    Indeed, Dave. I’m sure someone will suggest additions. I’m not sure about G-spot, surely you need an actual word? If you can have G-spot, then I suppose you could have X-rated though.

  5. Gordie

    If you’re not sure about G-Spot (something I can’t quite put my finger on), you could try groping. Or Gordie.

    I’m not sure that “tampon” is a sexy word, although it’s certainly sex-related. Let me make coffee and think..

  6. Gordie

    I’m not sure we should use the Royal Family as our measure of what’s sexy. After all, anything could be sexy if you’re weird enough: a toilet, a toothbrush, a tourniquet, a tarpaulin.

    I recommend teasing, tickling and tongueing tanlines and topless t*tties.

  7. Honey

    oh i needed to laugh!! the commentary is just as hilarious as the post, thanks for all everyone! I wish i would DARE use dandelions version when spelling my name on the phone.


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