I went to sleep after lunch. It wasn’t a heavy lunch, just the effect of my seasonal inclination to hibernate. And I was cross when I was woken by the phone ringing and it was evidently a cold caller because they rang off when my answerphone kicked in. I’d been dreaming, though I don’t know what about and, as I gathered my befuddled thoughts together, I remembered a dream I had several times in the year or so after Russell died.
I’d never lived alone before. I lived with my mother until I married. I coped quite well, though, managed to order refills of gas and coal before I ran out, fed the animals, looked after myself and the house and kept outside matters going and I was mostly busy.
I dreamed I was having a heart attack. I was alone in the house but, not completely struck down, I phoned for an ambulance and then rang Weeza. I told her what was happening, asked her to phone her brothers to tell them and then gave her a list of other people to contact to cancel a whole string of appointments. The ambulance came and I was still cancelling things. When I woke up, I reflected that I’d been somewhat optimistic in the assumption that I’d still be able to focus on all these matters and deal with them; but I was a bit shaken too, that – in my dreams – I first of all thought about efficiency, not letting people down, reorganising events so that I wouldn’t be missed. I also remember my first words to Weeza: “Oh darling, sorry to bother you, but I’m not very well and I wonder if you could help me.”
Conclusion: I was an over-committed idiot who worried too much. Can’t really cut down on the worrying, but I’ve stopped the rest of it. And I like to break bad news gently. Not that I have any, I’m glad to say.
Well, your dream comment to Weeza sounds exactly like something you would say. Just an idea, but what about making a list for Weeza and her brothers as to whom to contact, your wishes (in the states there is a POLST form re how much medical intervention one wants if they have a heart attack and names whom you want to decide end of life if your condition is irretrievable). Also separately list where your investments are,account numbers, how you want possessions disposed of and funeral preferences. The kids shoud put the information in a safe place at their homes or the bank. All quite depressing but good to have all of the ducks in a row.
Yes, there’s a Lasting Power of Attorney system here, one for financial affairs and one for medical. We talked about it, Russell and me, and didn’t set it up in the end, as it wasn’t quite what we wanted. I’ve got a basic wishlist in my will, as has Tim and we’ve talked it through – neither of us is hesitant about discussing such matters and nor am I with my children. It causes more problems if one doesn’t.
In the dream, it was a matter of arranging who should chair a meeting as I couldn’t, then letting elderly friends know I couldn’t take them to Norwich for lunch, and arranging someone to feed the cat and chickens and let the rector know I couldn’t play the organ on Sunday, that sort of thing. As if it would be foremost in my mind – but maybe it would, who knows? I rather hope I won’t have to find out!
All I can say is that while I had a heart attack some years ago i was not thinking about arranging things and taking care of others. i was mostly thinking about me, what I had done in my life and trying to get to grips with the all too real possibility of the end of “me”. Most of it is in a haze anyway.
I don’t think for a moment that this would be what I’d do. It was just a dream and, while I didn’t take it as a prediction, it did register that perhaps self-imposed obligations worried me more that was at all sensible.In the dream, I took the possibility of the end of “me” for granted – which I certainly wouldn’t have done in real life – and just wanted to lessen the immediate impact on everyone else. I know that is absurd.