I always try to buoy myself up when I write here. Perhaps I’m a bit too Pollyanna-like. I haven’t found it helps to dwell on the downside, on the whole. I acknowledge it and think it through, but writing it all down isn’t a good thing, for me. I started a blog, at an unhappy time, thinking that it might be good to express that side of my thoughts, but it only lasted two posts and it was making me more miserable. It’s still there but not public and never has been.
Mehitabel is still about, coming for meals. I don’t know what she does in between times, she isn’t hanging about with her children. I haven’t ventured to stroke her yet as I don’t want to frighten her away – she used to be very affectionate but she hasn’t come to me yet. All the same, she isn’t wary. She’s certainly more feral than she used to be, so perhaps she has always been an outside cat in her new home. So strange that Zain, then she, have returned after a gap of years, back to their old home. I realise that I’m known as dependable. Whatever else happens, it’s known that cats, people, whatever, can rely on me. That seems odd to me because I know myself and I don’t entirely recognise that … but I do to an extent. I do know that there has been anger when i’ve shown myself as vulnerable or needy or whatever and I have to hide that side of myself. Odd. I don’t really understand. But never mind. Pretend enough and it becomes your truth. I do recognise that I step up when needed and am reassuring in a crisis.
That’s not what I meant to write, I didn’t know I was going to say it. It’s been a pretty good day. Nothing much – laundry, housework, a Zoom (actually Microsoft Teams, but I think that Zoom has become a generic term like hoover) meeting and Tim cooked dinner. I made lunch, but it was a very nice bean salad with hot-smoked salmon, no cooking involved. I think we can go another day without shopping, but after that I will need vegetables.