Today, out of the blue, I remembered a recurring dream I used to have. I was having a heart attack – this was after Russell died, and I lived alone. I was able to function, so phoned for an ambulance, then rang my daughter, explained what was happening and said that I needed her to do a list of things – I was due to chair a meeting that afternoon, so she needed to ring the school and the vice chairman to explain, then she needed to cancel the rest of the week’s appointments, which I itemised, then please contact the boys and various other people, not least those who’d have to be asked to care for the cat and chickens.
Clearly, I didn’t think being in the throes of a heart attack would stop me thinking clearly. Nor did I think it would release me from obligations without explanation. I was still responsible for them but acknowledged I had to delegate.
I also knew, once I was awake, that all this was ludicrous, in a number of ways. Oh, I should mention that I apologised to Weeza profusely, both for being ill and for bothering her with all these necessities. Anyway, I don’t have any of them now, not in the same way and I never will have again. I’ve never told her about this dream, which used to happen every month or so, and it’s probably better that I don’t. I’m not sure that she’d appreciate it…
All the same, I’ve got on with the job I did have, and now the information for the catalogue has all been collated and I’ve given it to LT, who is the man with the know-how. I’ve got people to contact tomorrow or the next day, but that’s just a matter of a couple of emails and a letter and I can do those in my own time. I just said tomorrow, but that’s not right. Actually, tomorrow is a day off. I worked all weekend and I was so tired that I seriously contemplated going to bed at 6.30 this evening. I didn’t, I had a bath instead and then cooked dinner, which revived me; both the cooking and the eating of it. But it reminds me that I am exhausted by things that I used to just get on with and it’s partly that it’s all my responsibility now, but it’s also that I’m well on the way to old age. That’s fine, I just need to adjust and remember it.