But now I just get on with things.
I’ve chosen the music for Tim’s funeral, which was quite an ordeal. Worse was working out how to get it off iTunes on his pc. I could have done it on my Mac – long story short, his lovely brother has helped out, just pre-empting my lovely Ronan who’d have helped me on a video call otherwise. A bit of assembling to do tomorrow but the worst is over. I hope.
Still feeling dreadful, intermittently tearful and sometimes normal and even cheerful. It’s all quite odd and unsettling but I just accept the situation. I’m very, very grateful and appreciative of those who keep in touch. Not that I mind those who don’t. Which has included my cat today. Eloise has only dropped in for meals. i’d assumed she was next door with Wink, but she wasn’t. I went outside a few minutes ago – the usual “Eloise cat, darling cat whom I love with all my heart, will you come in?” The torch picked up a dark shape and I went to pick her up. She accepted love and praise and food and has sloped off again, I know not where. Hey, cat. That’s how cats can be and if you can’t take it, you need a dog. I love them both, but Eloise wouldn’t accept an interloper. And I can’t deal with the thought that a pet is likely to have a shorter life than I have, so I don’t think I can risk one after Eloise, to whom I’m already committed.
Once I’ve sent off the music and pictures for the service (the words having gone already), I can start to think about the next thing. i’ve drafted a letter to the other beneficiaries of Tim’s will, but there’s a specific reason why I can’t send it yet and I hope to have more information in the next week, so my letter can be clearer. I also want to write to my friend and distant cousin by marriage, Sheila in Atlanta, who has sent a brief, loving note. Every time I write to her, I receive a letter by return post, which always leaves me on the back foot. I owe her at least three letters. Tomorrow is the day when I’ll reply. I feel bad that I type letters nowadays, because that comes so naturally, whereas handwritten letters are quite painful to manage, but now I’ve been told that her eyesight is failing (she is 92, it’s hardly surprising), I’m sure that a typed letter is easier to read. I’ll make the font a bit bigger.
I feel I should check my blood pressure regularly, which I’ve never been in the habit of doing. It’s not surprising that it’s a bit higher than ideal, in the circumstances. But when I was struggling with the music, I started to get tinnitus again. Since I’ve suspected for a while that high blood pressure is the cause, I tested it again. Way higher than this morning. Seems to add some evidence. But I expect it’ll have come down again, now that the music situation is nearly sorted. Telling the doctor, if it’s still high in a few weeks when I don’t have any excuse, is on my mental list, though. Worrying about it isn’t good, so I won’t.