Having been awake for hours as is normal for me, though the reason was mostly that my hip hurts – it results from the London trip, it’ll be better in a few days, though it’s odd that it doesn’t hurt to do things but it does to relax, I decided finally to get up at around 6.30. Inevitably, that firm resolution sent me to sleep, so it was just as well that I was mostly ready. Ready for a 10.30 meeting? – oh no, I’m not daft, I was aiming for 10 o’clock to allow for earlycomers…who arrived at 9.45. But I was nearly ready and it mostly meant that I forgot to soak the rice, which didn’t really matter.
The meeting was fine, I had most sensibly taken the computer and printer through to the dining room (the joy of a Mac, a desktop computer is so portable) and so could type the minutes even more conveniently than on the iPad, and look up any information from past meetings as well. And I whizzed out a couple of times to do things in the kitchen and there was only a 15 minute break between the end of the meeting and the serving of lunch, and the food was well received. Although one man, the early arrival, and a third party to whom they gave a lift, had been driven by his wife who, though invited in, sat in her car and ate the food she’d brought with her. I was a bit bemused, but apparently she is wary of finding surprises in food. That’s quite understandable, if only I’d known I’d have catered to her preferences, but I think there must be more to it than that because she wouldn’t even come in for the pears and the cheese, so maybe she has an issue with eating in front of people too, or with more than a couple of people at a time. But I did feel lacking in the hostess department, she was a nice woman and I didn’t like to think of her sitting alone in the car, and I thought I’d considered nearly everything in the unwarned food preference line.
But things took a more dismal turn when I sat down with my plate of food, to discover the woman who’s to take over me as Secretary after the meeting in March, in deep conversation with the Chairman. Who was to take over. In short, she’s backed out. She’s daunted and feels out of her depth. No, I dunno either. If I can do it, someone who’s done this sort of thing for a living could – but she had made her mind up.
Not that I tried to change it, I accept that sort of thing and work around it. It’s rare for me to back out once I’ve agreed to something, I’m really quite resolute, whatever the pressure. But if the other party changes their mind, I don’t expect to talk them round so don’t try.
But I have to say, I feel very sorry for myself this evening. I enjoy the job, it’s not that, but I’ll have done my three years, I’ve found it quite a lot of work and, worse, the work comes at the times of the year when I’m most busy with other things. I’d underestimated that when I agreed. I don’t blame her, she’s under no obligation and it’s very sensible to call a halt before the start rather than once it really causes problems – but I’m struggling not to feel let down, though I have no right to feel that.
What it is, darlings, and excuse me getting a bit personal here for a minute, I have always wanted to be reliable, to be the one you can come to for help or lean on when things are tough. And yet I am ready to show my vulnerable side, to describe what I’ve found hard and say that sometimes I don’t know how to cope either, but I try to put a brave face on it, because I’m not a capable know-it-all at all and I’d hate to be thought that and I’d be upset if I thought anyone would find me intimidating – and if you’ve met me, you’ll know that I’m resourceful but inept and really – I hope – quite gentle. I don’t know, maybe this is complete wishful thinking. I try to be kind, but not everyone finds me so. And I’m afraid that I am not that bothered if someone doesn’t like me. I’m a lot more ‘take it or leave it’ than I used to be.
Anyway. Enough of introspection. It’s no big deal really, it’s just that a box that had been ticked has been unticked; I’m sure we’ll find someone else, but I’m feeling a bit of a need to be looked after tonight in a way that isn’t going to happen (though the Sage has just gone to put the kettle on, which has to be a Good Thing).
It’s just tiredness, however. Better tomorrow. And at least I had a use for my seven year post title.