Z used to be indecisive

But now I just get on with things.

I’ve chosen the music for Tim’s funeral, which was quite an ordeal. Worse was working out how to get it off iTunes on his pc. I could have done it on my Mac – long story short, his lovely brother has helped out, just pre-empting my lovely Ronan who’d have helped me on a video call otherwise. A bit of assembling to do tomorrow but the worst is over. I hope.

Still feeling dreadful, intermittently tearful and sometimes normal and even cheerful. It’s all quite odd and unsettling but I just accept the situation. I’m very, very grateful and appreciative of those who keep in touch. Not that I mind those who don’t. Which has included my cat today. Eloise has only dropped in for meals. i’d assumed she was next door with Wink, but she wasn’t. I went outside a few minutes ago – the usual “Eloise cat, darling cat whom I love with all my heart, will you come in?” The torch picked up a dark shape and I went to pick her up. She accepted love and praise and food and has sloped off again, I know not where. Hey, cat. That’s how cats can be and if you can’t take it, you need a dog. I love them both, but Eloise wouldn’t accept an interloper. And I can’t deal with the thought that a pet is likely to have a shorter life than I have, so I don’t think I can risk one after Eloise, to whom I’m already committed.

Once I’ve sent off the music and pictures for the service (the words having gone already), I can start to think about the next thing. i’ve drafted a letter to the other beneficiaries of Tim’s will, but there’s a specific reason why I can’t send it yet and I hope to have more information in the next week, so my letter can be clearer. I also want to write to my friend and distant cousin by marriage, Sheila in Atlanta, who has sent a brief, loving note. Every time I write to her, I receive a letter by return post, which always leaves me on the back foot. I owe her at least three letters. Tomorrow is the day when I’ll reply. I feel bad that I type letters nowadays, because that comes so naturally, whereas handwritten letters are quite painful to manage, but now I’ve been told that her eyesight is failing (she is 92, it’s hardly surprising), I’m sure that a typed letter is easier to read. I’ll make the font a bit bigger.

I feel I should check my blood pressure regularly, which I’ve never been in the habit of doing. It’s not surprising that it’s a bit higher than ideal, in the circumstances. But when I was struggling with the music, I started to get tinnitus again. Since I’ve suspected for a while that high blood pressure is the cause, I tested it again. Way higher than this morning. Seems to add some evidence. But I expect it’ll have come down again, now that the music situation is nearly sorted. Telling the doctor, if it’s still high in a few weeks when I don’t have any excuse, is on my mental list, though. Worrying about it isn’t good, so I won’t.

6 comments on “Z used to be indecisive

  1. allotmentqueen

    So you have a blood pressure monitor? How high is high in your books? I’ve had high blood pressure for donkey’s years (my father had it too). When I was pregnant with my first child I had pre-eclampsia. 10/15 years ago (I can’t remember) I had a nose bleed which resolutely refused to stop. Somewhat embarrassingly we were at Saunton Sands so I was leaving trails of blood in the sand in the car park! I went to hospital and my upper limit was about 200, so now I have medication for it, and occasionally I check it. It’s good to keep a record of it, including the time of day. Not long after you’ve got up is usually a good time because your blood pressure has had time to go down whilst you’re lying down. But worrying about it doesn’t help.

    I almost always type things these days. In fact whenever I have to sign my name, I get half way through and have to think about how to finish it! I feel it’s so much easier to type a rough draft of what you want to say, and then go back and hone it.

  2. Scarlet

    handwritten letters are quite painful – Tell me about it! And I’m supposed to love calligraphy!! Typing is so much easier – especially with regards to editing and spelling mistakes.
    I have chronic tinnitus, which means a high pitched hiss every waking hour. Mine doesn’t seem to be related to high blood pressure, though maybe it’s related to blood pressure changes? Turmeric can settle it sometimes, and also oily fish such as salmon. All the bad wonderful things will increase its volume, such as alcohol, sugar, etc. Always the way isn’t it?!

  3. Blue Witch

    You’re getting there… well done. Is Eloise cat missing Tim too? She won’t realise what is happening and maybe just feels abandoned: she’s not had the ‘closure’ of seeing him that you had.

    As you have a blood pressure monitor, you can use it as a ‘biofeedback’ mechanism to get your BP down. Take your BP 4 times a day, at regular fixed times, including first thing in the morning, before you get out of bed. If you miss a reading, don’t fret, just do those you remember.

    Have you thought of writing down your readings? I know the machine probably stores them, but there is nothing like a table that you fill in regulalry, to make you see what is making it go up and down.

    20+ years ago, when I had serious BP problems, caused by chroniic stress, I had a 4-column chart, for daily readings, plus a 5th column for brief notes about anything significant that might have caused the day’s readings. If I was doing it again now, I’d also have a final column to give the day a score from 0-10 for how I was feeling. If it’s high, you can practice conscious relaxation and mind over matter (taking control) to get it down. Progressive muscle relaxation is good for this. There should be scripts somewhere online (and probably apps for it these days!). I’d send you one over but my store of them is still 300 miles away, and they pre-date computers so I don’t have it electronically!

    Doctors love this sort of complete BP info.

    I’d strongly caution against BP medication unless you absolutely can’t get your BP down by being more conscious about what it is doing and how, especially as you have tinnitus. Blood pressure medications – particularly ACE inbihibitors (eg Lisinopril and Enalprel) can actually cause/worsen tinnitus. But, if you have to go that route – Beta Blockers like Propranolol and Nebivolol (eg Bystolic) rarely cause/worsen tinnitus.

    Let me know if I can help any more with this as I have lots of personal and professional experience of the subject.

  4. Z Post author

    Thanks, everyone. Tim has one in Reading and one here – I took it the other day there, first thing in the morning and it was 125/76. Again yesterday morning in bed and it was 135/85. Later in the afternoon, when I was very stressed, it had gone up to 158/93. I haven’t done it today because I didn’t really sleep and I’m after a normal reading, not one taken when I’m already tense. I’m writing them on the notepad on my phone – it’s just because of the tinnitus coming and going, I’d noticed that agitation started it up.

    I’ve got too much on at present to be systematic about it and there’s no chance of focussing on relaxation, though I’m usually able to. I suspect it’ll be okay and it’s just the present circumstances. I don’t care for the thought of long-term medication unless it’s really necessary – I know quite a few people with hereditary high blood pressure and of course it comes with getting older too.

    Poor Eloise cat has been very unsettled and unhappy. She sometimes whines and cries and she’s hardly spending any time with me. She misses Tim dreadfully.

  5. Blue Witch

    Honestly Z, in the circumstances, those are not bad readings. I really wouldn’t worry too much about it.
    Tinnitus is a very strange condition: much under-researched and not well understood. It could be linked to anything or nothing or everything.

    This may sound daft, but could you put a picture of Tim near where Eloise likes to be, at ‘cat level’, and maybe a piece of his clothing where she likes to sleep? Cat’s perceive things in odd ways. I’ve heard several people say this seemed to help. I’m sure she’s responding to Tim’s absence and your upset. She’ll come round, although it would be helpful if she could be of more comfort to you right now I’m sure!

    1. Z Post author

      Thank you, good advice and I’ll take it. I really miss her being affectionate, it does make things worse. But I know what cats are like and it’s not personal. I miss her coming on the bed in the night and walking over my face to get to the table for a drink, then curling up next to me.It’s hard for her though, I keep going away. Wink doesn’t, so she’s the reliable one.


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