1 On Tim’s recommendation, I bought Joseph Heller’s God Knows. Unable to sleep, I started to read at daybreak.  I’ve discovered that I have reached the age when I need a decent light to be able to read small print.  After a lifetime of reading in the dimmest conditions, this is a bit depressing.  I shall have a bath later and read there.

2 The phone keeps ringing and it’s for the Sage every time, though I’m nearest and have been the one to answer.  I’m really not very fond of the telephone.  The Sage loves it though.  He’s just been Skyping a friend in New Zealand and now is on the phone to Sheila in Atlanta, Georgia.  There’s a drought in New Zealand.

3 I put the pictures of Ben onto Facebook and Andy was very pleased to see them.  He really misses his dog.

4 Norfolk and Suffolk have had a month’s worth of rain in 24 hours, according to the local paper.  And a few inches of snow.  I drove to Norwich today and passed a car upside-down in a (dryish) ditch.  The owner of the sheep just phoned: he rescued them from their huddled position in their shelter, to which the water was rapidly rising.  They’ll be fine now, that field will never flood.  Well, the whole village would have to be under water.  Though I’m not entirely sure that is out of the question.  And it’s cold – when I left the car park in Norwich today, a Renault Megane that had, like my car, been parked for four or five hours had icicles hanging from its back bumper.

5 The school play this term is Twelfth Night.  It’s to be a musical, in modern dress (but Shakespeare’s words) and the music is from the early 1980s.  I’m sure it will be splendid and I’ll love it.

1 I have just finished the agenda for the next governors’ meeting, to go out tomorrow.  Also the agenda for Friday’s meeting, where I’ve blithely put down several items that I haven’t started to prepare yet.  Rather hoping my much more efficient vice-chairman will come to my rescue.

2 Huge backlog of Nadfas reports, which have come in over the last week and which I haven’t had time to look at.  Next mailing has to go out by Wednesday, so that’s all right, I’ve Tuesday morning and evening available.

3 Very entertaining watching Ben watching Crufts.  I read once that dogs can’t see the 2D images on television.  That is nonsense, as you’ll see from the photos below.  None of the dogs was making a sound, so he certainly saw them.

4 The field where the sheep are is flooded and they’re huddled in a small area, so they will be brought on to our front field tomorrow.  I’m looking forward to that.  I like sheep.

5 I’m going to a lecture about Burghley House and Hatfield House and the Cecil family tomorrow.  Before that, I’m going with the Sage to his doctor’s appointment, because he’ll not report back accurately – he always tells me everything is fine, even when it isn’t (he’s not ill, don’t worry, it’s the result of a blood test) and afterwards I have to pick up a piece of china, which will mean going through Norwich at the start of the rush hour.  So that’s 9-5 taken care of.

 His interest was engaged

 Listening to advice on dog training and making notes on how to avoid it

 This is more like it!

*Sniff, sniff* – wot, no smelevision?

I’d love to find if there’s anyone who feels the same as I have done for many years, because none of my friends seem to – that is, I’ve only discussed it with a few people but they have looked at me as if I’m quite peculiar.

I don’t think you’re going to get what I’m saying unless you do feel the same, so I shall clarify it later on, I hope.  But quite simply, I have felt for quite a long time that what I set out to do in life has been done and it’s a relief to know that I can let go any time I need to.

It first came to me when my youngest child was 17 and approaching his 18th birthday.  I realised that I’d … well, I’d have fulfilled the contract.  In one sense, I didn’t have to be a good example any more, but in another I – bluntly – could die without reproach.  With hindsight, I was rather unhappy and exhausted at the time and the thought was a relief, but the feeling has never left me.  I asked a friend and she was taken aback and said that she wanted to live as long as possible, she’d fight for her life and her wellbeing.  More recently, another friend asked, what about my grandchildren, didn’t I want to live for them?  But that’s not my point at all, it’s not as pessimistic as that but not as self-sacrificing either.  Living *for* someone sounds like something of an ordeal.  Another friend didn’t agree because there were so many things she still wants to do. But it matters very little to me whether I do something I would, no doubt, enjoy, such as see the Taj Mahal (which I have) or the Pyramids (which I haven’t).  Who cares, in the long run?  If I were dead, I wouldn’t be in a position to miss having been in a hot-air balloon, swum the Hellespont, met some of my dear but far-flung blog friends.

I should explain what has brought this on – the Sage and I have been considering Lasting Power of Attorney documents.  There are two sorts, financial and health.  It’s the health one I mean at present: if one had a serious condition that meant one was not able to make one’s own decisions, it authorises one’s own chosen people to do it.  On the one hand, they might stop a doctor putting me on the Liverpool Pathway; on the other they might say I wouldn’t want to linger on life support.  But we had to talk about what we really would want, so asked our children round for a family discussion a couple of weeks ago.  The Sage, it was clear, would want to carry on living at almost any cost, whereas I absolutely wouldn’t.

I am not talking about euthanasia, suicide, refusing treatment for a life-threatening illness, but more about an attitude.  I come from a short-lived family and that is often on my mind, not as a matter of fear but of reassurance.  It isn’t even a matter of health, nor of being tired of life.  I’ve known plenty of older people who said they were ready to throw in the towel until they were actually ill, and then they were very tenacious and had a completely changed attitude – my mother amongst them.  We all know people who have completely lost their minds through dementia and have understood that, if in their right minds, they would be horrified and miserable and never wish to end their days like that.  But I’m not trying to discuss that either.  Simply, I know the best is long over, but that’s okay, there’s plenty still to enjoy – not that I think life is about enjoyment but about kindness, mostly.  But, for many years, I’ve had a sense of completeness and even finality.  I just wondered if any of you know what I mean?

And jolly dull it is around here now.  It was lovely to meet them all at last and I’m really pleased that Ben settled down at last yesterday and showed he can be a very nice dog and not a rather annoyingly whirling dervish all the time.

Back to the five things

1 The rain turned to sleet and then snow.  We’d all hoped that spring was arriving but the forecast is pretty depressing.

2 The road into Yagnub is closed for several weeks because they’re repairing a bridge, so we have to go round by the bypass.  It trebles the journey, which we never allow time for because we generally forget about the closure, both going into town and out again, and have to turn round.

3 I’ve been flower-arranging in the church this afternoon.  It’s Mother’s Day tomorrow (actually, it’s Mothering Sunday, but since it’s treated as Mother’s Day, I’m going to call it that.  Mothering Sunday is actually a church thing, not actual mothers) but we don’t now know how many families will turn up.  It’s an hour earlier than usual, I’m not sure why, and although it was in the village magazine the school apparently didn’t send out a reminder.  I suspect people will arrive just in time for coffee and posies.

4 After Phil & Lisa & co left, Dilly arrived with the children, then Al turned up after work to look after Hadrian while she took the other two swimming.  He said that there have been several postmen off sick, so he’s done at least two rounds every day.  He had a message from his boss asking for help: they were short-staffed again today.  He got back to the depot to find piles of post because of Mother’s Day.  So he worked until it was done.

5 Gosh, it’s far too quiet.  

Phil, Amelie and I took Ben for a walk on the marshes today, while Toby had a nap and Lisa kept a watchful eye, or possibly took the opportunity for a well-earned rest.  I made the mistake of not putting on Ben’s Halti and he was quite overexcited and pulled hard.  I could barely manage him.  However, once we arrived on the field and I let him off his lead, he had a wonderful time.

There was a swan relaxing on the water near the opposite bank to the cattle’s watering hold and Ben was quite interested.  I was quite anxious, because I know how tricky swans can be, and Ben plunged cheerily into the water – but only to paddle, he didn’t go out of his depth.  He ran around for quite some time after that, then found an area where the farmer had taken a tractor and the ground was quite churned up.  He loved wallowing in the mud.

I looked at this dog, covered in mud, wet through and blissfully happy, and I felt happy myself. This is what a dog’s life should be, I thought.  He’s a retriever, after all, running round the fields and going into the water are natural to him.  Amelie wondered how I’d catch him to put his lead on and I assured her he’d come when I called.  Before that, he went through another stream and washed most of the mud off and then we set off for home.

There’s a beck that runs between our garden and our further field (which is known as Humpy’s Meadow) and he decided to plunge into that too. Startled, Phil let go of the lead.  I was just getting that sorted out when Ben had a good shake.  The river water doesn’t taste *that* bad, but I still spat several times.

After putting him in the porch, where I rubbed him down with a towel, we went to visit the chickens.  One had just laid an egg and clucked obligingly.  Another ate out of my hand, the Sage picked up a black hen for Amelie to stroke and she was able to find three eggs to take back to the house.  So she has learned a fair bit about living in the country.  Phil and Lisa have discovered that we’re even more peculiar than I portray us as here.  

The Gardners arrived during the afternoon and are as delightful as I’d expected them to be.  The children ate their tea with impeccable manners and went to bed in due course, and Lisa and Phil have just gone up too.  Ben was hopelessly overexcited all day – he normally sleeps half the evening, but mostly bounced instead.  I hope he settles down tomorrow, it’s a bit trying.

It was an odd day in some ways.  I have been so busy this week I hadn’t got anything ready, so whizzed round for a couple of hours, changing beds and – Phil and Lisa won’t believe this, but I did – tidying up a bit.  Then off to school for Music, where the morning lesson was a new project, learning to play a piece of music, including some theory and reading a stave.  The piece is Katy Perry’s Firework.  Or is it Fireworks, I can’t remember.  Then I trotted along to a reception for a group of French exchange students, the Mayor and Town Reeve came along too and I smiled and shook hands a lot and had my photo taken several times (in a group) and I’m afraid it’s bound to be in the paper.  There was a large chocolate cake and I ate a piece of it, which was all I had time for for lunch.  I also had a small cup of tea and it wasn’t until this evening that I realised I hadn’t had anything else to drink all day until 5 o’clock when I had some coffee.  Not enough, really.

In the afternoon, the other class hadn’t yet finished their Indian music, so it was back to the ragas.  I felt a bit spaced out by the time I left.  And then, when home, I had several things to deal with, including booking a holiday, so it was just as well that the guests were a bit delayed.

I gather the children wake pretty early.  Well that is, we usually get going rather late in the morning, it isn’t that they’re unusually early.  Amelie is looking forward to meeting the chickens.

1 I seem to be making a habit of not enough sleep – no change there, then.  But I did sleep reasonably well last night, it was just that I had to get up early.

2 And was in Norwich by 7.30 and on the way to London.  We had a really easy run and arrived on schedule, although apparently there was a burst water main in Piccadilly.  We saw no sight of anything amiss.

3 The exhibition was jolly good and bigger than we’d expected.  A lot of Manet’s paintings that I knew nothing about and some that I did.  I hadn’t realised that he was only 51 when he died.

4 I had a Roquefort, celery and wild mushroom tart for lunch.  It was very good.  I had a pistachio-topped and strawberry-purée filled cake for tea, which was rather richer than I expected.  I coped manfully.

5 I was in cheery and expansive mood and trotted over to Fortnums and bought presents for the children and the Sage.  Food ones.  Well, food and drink (tea).

6 It’s been a busy day and five isn’t enough.

7 One of our party didn’t feel very well and the RA staff looked after her and altered her ticket to another day, as she wasn’t able to cope with the exhibition.  Unfortunately, she was extremely sick on the way home.  Most unfortunately, she was in the seat behind me and my friend Angy.  It was worse for her travelling companion, of course. I trust it was nothing catching.

8 Usually, the Sage would have cooked my supper.  I phone ahead so he knows how to time it.  But we were a bit late, so I said he shouldn’t wait.  I cooked myself an omelette when I got home.

9 There was a frost last night when I walked the dog, but none this morning.  But the sun didn’t shine all day – or rather, it did but it was hidden by clouds.

10 Our friends whose wedding reception was held on our field last summer have asked if we could look after their puppy Rupert in August when they go on holiday.  We’ve said yes.  This could turn into a nice little business – totally non-lucrative of course, as we wouldn’t charge them.

1 Sunshine and warmth!  I had to wear sunglasses to drive.  Mind you, I gather the weather forecast is none too good for tomorrow.

2 Awful noises came from the new phones and it wasn’t even a heavy breather.  Turned out that the base had to be plugged into a different socket, not the main one – which was the one the previous phone worked best from.  Ho hum.

3 I’m going to the Manet exhibition at the RA tomorrow.  Early start, I’ve got to be in Norwich by 7.15.

4 A meeting at the school with feedback from an evaluation we had done by advisors, who gave impartial advice on how well we’re doing and how to improve.  I was quite enthused and invigorated by it all, which shows that my assertion that I need outside interests and responsibilities, however much work they are, if I’m not to be bored and depressed, is correct.

5 Time to walk the dog.  Goodnight